Freitag, 24. Februar 2017

You forgot 
To silently listen
To the 
Magnificent
Beauty of the 
Storm 
In front of 
Your window,
Said the Sun
On a
Weathered Day
When it peeps
Through grey white
Rain clouds
With blue bits of sky.
You forgot
To purposely observe
Creation
And destruction
In front of 
Your window,
Sung the
Blackbird
Out loud
Outside.
The Law of Life,
- Impermanence,
- Wisdom
Happening
At your
Doorstep.
But you
Skipped
The class
Still dreaming 
Deeply asleep.
You forgot
To pay
Attention
For a dead 
Blinking screen 
You are going to spend 
Your entire day with.
90% of your life,
This life
Today. 
You move
Like a robot
No heart 
Just mind
Ignoring your body
My body
Your naked love
Leaving me 
Like an empty shell
Unseen
Untouched 
For a place
You hate
While a Well of
Basic Goodness
Is your true
Home base,
Your true nature
Is endless
Joy.
Isn't that sad,
Whispered the storm?
Isn't it 
Ironic 
How he puts on
Perfume 
And
Beautiful clothes 
For
Others
But not
For the he says
I love you 
To?
Whispers my
Heart.

Donnerstag, 16. Februar 2017

Only be human after all


I wake up and I am sad.

            Checking in with myself, and the actual present reality around me, I find this sadness unnecessary and totally unjustified.  And yet I can't help it. Emotionally I am stuck in some abyss-like chaos where I cannot pull myself out.

I am alone in my bed.

            Only 2 months ago I moved to another country to be with the man I love. He has a little daughter who lives almost 300km away from him, which can be very hard for him at times. I am compassionate. I also like her a lot.

            I have never been in a situation like this before, neither do I know anybody who has nor read about it, so there is not a single bit of experience I can base this on. Currently, I am moving on research ground, I try, I fail, I error, I succeed.

            The last couple of weeks, I have felt extremely lonely, missing my friends and my family a lot - my whole former environment. This turbulence in my emotional body was strangely new to me because I travel half my life already and have lived very happily in various different places.

            Now, the situation I committed to master in this new country though presented itself as more complicated than I initially thought, since his Ex doesn't want me to stay in the same house with the daughter. This sounds like an easily solvable condition for a grown person if you think about it, especially considering that my new partner gets to see his daughter only every second week. So, between us we decided to solve it like this: I move out of our bedroom while the daughter moves in. And that's how I find myself this morning again - alone on the single mattress. And it's Valentine's Day. It's the first time his daughter stays for 10 days in a row, not only the weekend. And her daddy loves it.

            I focus on gratitude. I try meditation. Yoga helps, but then somebody disturbs me and I don't get in a flow. My mind is strong, I know, so I try using it as a tool to pull myself out. Actually, nothing helps. Sometimes simply nothing helps. Can you really jump from a place of complete frustration to gratitude or would the pull simply be too big? Small steps seem to be a better solution just now: Just feel totally off, then just a little bit off, then slightly better, and from there - yay: sunshine, blue sky again!

            The worst is: I know, I am not supposed to feel like this. Solely viewed from a mental perspective this is absolutely wrong, but emotionally it is just what it is: I feel sad and lonely. New place, new environment, no one to call into on Valentine's morning, no job yet, and no feeling of being home. Not yet. I feel desperate. Caught in a downward spiral. I sit with the emotion and try to peel away the layers to reach the deeper issues of this emotion, which is hard, especially this morning. The impulse to just pack my things and go is strong. Run away to a place that feels more supportive and loving, something that I much rather deserve than this. Why do we think life has to be challenging in order to be good? What about effortlessness and easy flow?

            After everyone has left the house on love-day-morning, the numbing sadness turns into anger. Someone told me that anger is kind of a next level emotion after sadness, which shakes things up inside instead of holding them stuck in one place. So, if you are coming from depression, anger is the next best thing, it's one step further than where you were initially. Was it Abraham Hicks, who said that? I think so. And then, from anger there would be strange feelings of revenge (which you don't usually act upon, of course), and after, there would be new feelings of hope and a little bit more lightness. So, as a matter of facts, at a certain point, anger is definitely the next best emotion, much better than being stuck depressed.

So, I enjoy.
Sorry, what?
How can I enjoy being angry?

            Especially this anger doesn't seem to help. It's like a blind rage inside of myself that I can hardly control. I want to break things, to scream, to hurt - and yet, I sit silently and watch it. I observe the fire. It takes me a couple of hours to even understand what I need in this moment, and to find this tongue-tied strategy of what could possible make me happy right now.

            I take the bus into the next village, raging because I have to wait for it, raging because it accelerates to quickly and I almost fall, raging because the man next to me gives me strange looks, raging cause the woman in front talk into her phone awkwardly loud. Nothing seems to be right. Even when I pull out my ultimate medicine, my journal, the flow of words is sticky like too thick pancake batter. I only get to write short, uninspired and unclear thought streams:

# What is it that makes me so angry? I have millions of negative thoughts and images in my head - like a beast unleashed. A beast ready to bite. I don't love anybody right now and just want to run, run with the wild ones, bared teeth display, dark, bad. This energy clearly wants to be moved.

# I hate every day because there is not outlook. (What? Me? A day-hater? Really?)

# A conversation on the next seat: "What are you up to?" - "Goin' home." A line that has instead power over another part of my heart. Home. HOME. One billon characteristics are building this place. I feel like a pressing stone in a random shoe. And I hurt while walking. I don't belong there.
            
# Love is like a fierce force. When you are 36 and have been a happy Single and an extremely free spirit for the last couple of years, love can suddenly be devastating. It rips my heart so open and lets fear creep in which such persistence. Fear is the devil I am fighting since it all began.
            
# I feel entirely lonely. The darkness of the ink resembles the feeling of my heart. I embraced loneliness once but now I fighting it. I don't want it anymore. Tasting the sweet nectar of unity has woken up the fear again.

#I am unbearable for myself because I went back and forth like a restless hurricane 500 times in 2 months only. Or maybe only like a scared chicken in a coop.

Stop.
Stop, I say to myself.

            The ocean in front of me mirrors my rage with white foamy waves that leash up from the surface like silent screams. Hastily I walk to the end of the beach, turn around and walk back. As if I wanted the anger to loose track of me. Can you just stay at the other end of the beach? Please? I want to throw the rage into the ocean and let it viciously drown, so that it never comes back. I am so drained by this emotional vortex.

Right now, I cannot go deeper. I am feeling stuck.

And then, out of a sudden, I sink and I understand a simple truth: I am jealous.

Oh, no.
Oh - yes.

            Deep in my heart I suddenly know it. I am at the core: I am jealous of a child that is unconditionally loved by the man I chose to be with for the rest of my life. The untainted pure nature of this love is something I can never get from anyone except my own parents maybe. This isn't even worth a discussion, or a fight. Can I even voice that in front of him? I feel immensely embarrassed. And yet, suddenly I feel as if someone had just taken a blindfold from my eyes. I am jealous of a 4-year-old child.

            The clarity comes with an immediate judgement: This is so wrong! Of course it is. I am not supposed to feel like that! I feel wrong. It is like a downward spiral: The more wrong I feel about myself, the worse it gets. I am far beyond my comfort zone in a new country with no friends yet and no supportive system around. I am alone most of the time of the day. The worse I feel about myself, the more I am dependent and clingy on my partner to give me the reflection, that I am actually quiet a nice person and totally all right AND absolutely loved. So, emotionally I become extremely needy and not attractive at all. The more I'm becoming dependent and clingy on him, the more vulnerable I become towards him sharing his affection within this deep connection he has with his daughter...

            ... A dreadful ping pong - AAAAAHHH! I am caught up in a subconscious competition for the love of this one man. And in addition to all this, it is a cold grey winter. I feel like a child myself. I create more and more tension because I know this is definitely not myself in my full power! I feel weaker and weaker, while my partner has millions of things orbiting around him: the child, his ex, his job, his family... And the more I try to support him, the more I feel hollow inside. A catch 22 on all sides. I am completely loosing out.

            Now, to put things into the right perspective I have to say, that I am a pretty strong and independent woman. I have been around the world, teach Yoga and meditation, mindfulness and other conscious practises, I am a lover and a child myself sometimes - I honestly never experienced something like this. To be fair, I am jealous, yes, but only if there is a real chance that my jealousy is actually justified. And now this: I am jealous and miserable because of a 4-year-old child, that is absolutely adorable and magic herself.

            Has anyone ever experienced this, I asked? As a counsellor I talk to hundreds of people, as a friend too, but no one has ever mentioned this to me. Do I actually have friends, who are in relationships with children, which are not there own? I don't think so. I even question the eligibility of this emotion amongst all the other ones constituted within the human emotional range.

            Every past day I tried hard and picked myself up. Though, jealousy in a cocktail with loneliness is such an intense emotional mixture. I try to push myself mentally into a space with more clarity and less emotional energy. But I am constantly tired of this. It is definitely exhausting. The only few periods I thought I got it right though, was when I actually managed to do something I absolutely loved.

            (It is the hardest thing to do if you have to pick up yourself and go out to meet (new) friends, to find a job, or only the joy of doing something, which involves passion. So, please don't expect me to manage to do it every day. Right now, I am happy about every other day. Sometimes - as I said before - I takes me half the day to FEEL (between all the other stuff), what it actually is that would make me happy right now.)

            I am not writing this to release anger or frustration but rather to create a necessary understanding for those who find themselves in a similar situation, where they are "not supposed to" feel a certain way. My partner does so many things to make me feel happy - why would I still be sad? He tries to involve me, shares his precious time with his daughter - why am I unappreciative?

            In a world, where migration goes hand in hand with patchwork-family-concepts, I say to everyone, who experiences something similar, to really be gentle on yourself. From an emotional perspective it is hard-core work you are facing, especially if you don't have your usual support system by hand. You haven taken yourself out of your comfort zone into a territory that is your partner's - if not also his ex girlfriends' - with your usual sources of support all gone. In another world, you would probably just go out with your friends and do something nice. Here, the approach to do something like that is 10 times harder. Be gentle!

            It is hard-core work, specially, if the relationship is still very fresh, and you're emotionally experiencing an absolute honeymoon-phase, while having to do all these compromises, which - within yourself - you do not want to do at all. You just don't want to make any compromises and you shouldn't have to. You don't want to move out of that bed, away from his side. You don't want him to interrupt kisses or hugs, cause his child is calling. You don't want to be hidden or lied about - "This is my new roommate, darling." No, you don't want any compromise, even though you do understand him perfectly well. So, be gentle on yourself. It is normal that anger is coming up because it is an enormous inner conflict between what you see as an ideal - that, which you can envision as an ideal of living with him - and what you're actually living at present.

            Every day, I try to embrace those thoughts I shouldn't have - that I want it all to myself and not share anything. I know, it is a silly thought but of course I am reaching for it. I am only human after all. I try to embrace that I feel selfish and egoistic - yes, big time! Of course, I want to be the happy smiling peaceful zone-harmony-yogi, but this is simply not the case. Not always. I embrace it. I want the hugs, the flowers, the cuddles, the presence. I don't want the tired 5-minute-good-night-kiss. I want it all. Isn't that absolutely selfish? Yep. Undeniably. No question. I embrace it. The conflict starts when you push it away to "be a better person", to be more socially accepted, to fit in, and in the end to be loved eventually, which is where it all comes down to. We all want to be loved - the big number one reason, why we bend, pretend and compromise. I don't say: avoid compromises. I say: just be gentle. By not accepting what is actually going on, reality gets distorted and the outcome is de-pression, unnecessary wounding and a relationship to yourself that is based on a lie.

            You know, sometimes I imagine my negative emotional chatter as coming from a radio. Sometimes I only label emotions and pretend to be in a supermarket, where I get to choose. Sometimes I depersonalize the experience and pretend it wasn't me who feels all this. In the end everything is going to change. The eternal law of impermanence can give me a lot of strength and patience. And in my secret profession as a "psychonaut", I am actually entirely grateful for this whole situation. No one has ever told me about it before, nor has anyone ever prepared me for this otherwise. How would I ever have known that this existed within my emotional range without this experience?
           
            Even though there are so many people in our society living in that situation, most of us still shy away from allowing us to feel it. We even shy away from the topic in general. We are supposed to be "happy family", but even for the partnership it is enormously challenging. We are dealing with emotions we are socially told we shouldn't be dealing with. (And I am talking about deep subconscious conditioning here!) We feel bad about ourselves, because these feelings certainly exist, but we shouldn't be feeling them. No book is written about it. While I Google search how to behave in a new partnership with a child, I find tons of advices on how to relate with the child of my partner - but not a single advice tells me how to deal with my own emotions, those which I have never felt before!

            So, be attentive with yourself and don't deny your inner voice. Take things slowly, draw back if necessary, protect your own living space, and create a life for yourself that is empowering for your own sake. If your inner voice is saying, "I really can't handle this right now", don't beat yourself up. I am talking to myself here in the mirror as well as to thousands of other childless partners out there, that feel the same way I do. If you can't handle a situation in the moment, simply disengage. Own it. There is no need to push through right now, because it will happen naturally. If you need to, do jump on a train and take a break. Go visit your own family, your friends, fly back home for a while. It's ok to have an oasis of recharge. That doesn't mean the end of your relationship, but only that you cannot handle a situation in the moment. As simple as that. Nothing more. Nothing less. You don't need to force anything. Just give yourself a break. Go have some fun, and when your partner can, he or she will come and enjoy this fun time with you. In the end, I am having a relationship with my partner and maybe, for the biggest part of my life, I should view both relationships separately: his relationship to his daughter and my relationship to him. Don't judge yourself, you're doing great! The more secure and happy you feel, the whole situation will change. Just hang in there for now.

Freitag, 20. Januar 2017

Thought stream getting lost from having a Great Vision of the Self to the Reawakening of present Touch

In the greatest vision of myself, I am a dancer. I dance only because it's making me happy. I am a singer, and I only sing because it's giving me joy. I am a free spirit, and I fly only to indulge myself - letting the wind tickle my wings. In the greatest vision of myself I am pure joy, and I love and laugh just recreate happiness in every moment. What is it that is holding me back from truly living this highest version of my being. Isn't it that all we can envision, we make come true?

Life is not about the outside world. Life is about living it only. It's about how we feel inside. There is nowhere to run. The meaning of life is just to be alive. It's so plain, so obvious and so simple. Everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it was necessary to achieve something beyond themselves. But their inner feeling is painful - anxiety or stress to an amount that it manifests in their physical bodies. But actually it's just about the achievement of happiness, an inner equanimity inside. To live every moment, the good ones, the bad ones as they come without denying any of them.

Emotion is the key to figuring out our multidimensional self, healing it and becoming one. And yet emotion has been pushed aside, given a bad name, and frowned upon. We have been automatons, performing roles that were given to us to keep us separated. We have nothing on which to pattern a positive image of the empowered feminine nor the empowered masculine, but mostly men are striving to be male and women are striving to be empowered through a male vibration because you do not have a clear vision of the empowered female. So, emotions are meant to be unhealthy.

Now, true happiness is a state that needs some sort of definition to satisfy the mind or else it becomes a state of illusion. In the course of life there will be no one who is always laughing and having a good time. We all go through different phases, even in the course of a single day. This is how growth occurs. When we find comfort in the discomfort and stillness in the chaos. This is where wisdom is heard. Every heart is filled with light, but to find the light you must first venture through darkness. To find the light, find the darkness. There is no other way. And yet, we want to be happy and joyful all the time. So, we got to embrace the sadness and start dancing with the anger and the upset. Great masters teach us that we need to welcome each one of those guests on our table. They all want to be heard and seen because they all become stronger and stay longer than necessary if they are ignored or supressed. If we could only meet those guests with great humour, simply for what they are: inconsistent appearances. They don't deserve to stay, to be analysed or attended for a long period of time, but they need to be recognised and acknowledged.

Imagine a thief comes into your house to steal something. You need to see him and to acknowledge that he wants to steal something from you. If you didn't recognise this, he would probably just run away with your money. But seeing him as what he his, enables you to act upon and call the police or chase him away. And as soon as he his gone, there is no need to attend him any longer. No need to carry him in our thoughts. When anger comes to steal our inner peace, it needs to be acknowledged, too to be able to respond accordingly. Feel it and then turn the focus to something different.

So, what happens when we are in a relationship? Our potential for personal growth is suddenly multiplied but also, at the same time the necessity to be much more present with what is actually going for me. Otherwise we simply put the responsibility for our own happiness on this other person and this is never going to work. One thing that we have to understand though first, is that we permanently co-regulate each other, mingle our energies and affect each other in ways that go beyond superficial understanding because the possible triggers could lie way past our consciousness. If you don't believe this, try this simple experiment with another person: Sit opposite each other, one closes the eyes. The other one chooses to think one sentence - either "I see what is wrong with you and I am going to fix you." or "You are perfect and I am going to enhance that perfection". Choose one sentence; look at the person with her eyes closed and focus on that sentence for one minute. Then, without telling the other person, choose the other sentence and focus on it for another minute while looking at the person. Then switch roles. In the end have both of you guess which sentences you focussed on first and after. You will be surprised. We CAN feel one another.

Great couples have great relationships because they are really choosing to live their lives together, hand in hand. People have great relationships because there is nothing that they would rather do and no one they would rather be with than their partner. They do things together, they engage in conversations more substantial than small talk and the routine “how was your day?” People need time to do their own thing and that is not only understandable but to be encouraged. People who have great relationships always return to their partner, though, because they truly enjoy each others company. And all the time, there is co-regulation taking place, mixing of energy and a mutual influence that goes beyond mental understanding. We feel each other and because we are open to each other, we also take on emotions, issues, challenges, and even thinking patterns. Did you never experience that you feel much lighter at times when we get out of the physical space of a certain person?

What about true intimacy then? Regardless of whether or not you are having sex, a lack of intimacy implies a lack of open, trusting communication about feelings. If one partner is hiding something, even a feeling, from the other partner, there is a type of breach of trust between the two which is happening especially because on a subconscious level we feel that something is not quiet right and it stirs up into our consciousness.

Our bodies are built for connection that goes far beyond the physical, but take let's the physical as a basis for a moment. We’re built to thrive on love, and intimate touch is a natural physical manifestation of love. And by intimate touch I mean the kind that says ‘I’m right here, fully present with you, in this moment,’ rather than intimacy, which is just about genital contact. It’s an intimacy, which can be shared with anyone we love, not just sexual partners. Studies have shown that the cells in our bodies expand when they feel love and contract when they feel its opposite, and our ability to use our touch to transmit that energy to another is an innate gift, which we all carry.

Reawakening that ability for loving touch can be one of the simplest and most beautiful gifts to ourselves and our loved ones. At its most basic, just showing up and being willing to touch someone with the intention of bringing healing or love can be a comforting experience for another. And sometimes it’s as easy as that. Touch connects people and increases that sense of trust and love in the world.

You will not be able to hear what another’s body is trying to say to you if your mind is busy, so bring your mind fully into the moment! Maybe synchronize your breathing with the person you’re touching. Being present brings a stillness, and it is intuition, a silent listening that reaches us through stillness. Trust that somewhere deep inside, you know how and where to touch them. Then follow your instincts, get on with it and see where it leads you. Feelings of pleasure and well-being aren’t just for the lucky one who’s being touched. The beauty of feeling another opening under your touch and discovering the depths that can be hidden in the body brings with it a deeper connection to the mysteries of life as well as a sense of profound gratitude for this simple gift.

And just as another experiment - in case you still don't believe that we feel each other, ask a person to close her eyes and try two variations of the same touch—stroke their arm once while thinking of your favorite movie and then a second time while intending that they feel your love. Then ask if they noticed any difference. 

The list is long if not endless. We do feel each other and therefore influence each other in good and in bad ways (if there exists such dual thing). An environment that is perceived as unsupportive can lead to a complete closure of the heart and loving emotions. Then, it can be a constant struggle to uphold a permanent positivity, patience or loving kindness. The body feels it as stress and as a permanent thread to its wellbeing. Once we are in love this is getting worse because initiate boundaries melt away while we engage with one another. We feel each other even more intense. So, let's be mindful for who we are and what we can cause. It is a human condition and part of the journey which we face during this earthly existence that we feel and that we are emotional. Yes, we can let all of that go as soon as it comes into awareness as I mentioned before but we can also be mindful with each other and give us some support on that journey here on this planet. Let's focus on that greater vision that we can have of ourselves and that we can actually bring forth into being. Let's be the dancers, the singers, the visionaries, the co-creators for a better way of engaging with each other and filling the world with more and light. Mitakuye Oyasin - We are all related. In Lak'ech - I am just another You. Anam Cara - Soulmate.

Montag, 9. Januar 2017

Erfolg ist, was man ist und die Frage nach dem eigentlichen Sinn stellt sich dabei gar nicht. Der von Erfolg gekrönte Mensch fungiert als Symbol und Idol einer ganzen Gesellschaft, die sich dann stumm fragt, wessen Leben sie eigentlich lebt. Der Einzelne, das Individuum, möge sich selbst in seiner Existenz begreifen, aber bitte nur selten wirklich verwirklichen. Träumen leben, ja, aber bitte immer im Rahmen bleiben. Zeit wird zum Wirtschaftsgut und definiert einen Luxus, den man sich nur selten leisten kann. Vor wenigen Tagen hat jemand zu mir gesagt, dass ich mir doch Gedanken machen müsste, woher das nötige Kleingeld für mein Glück käme und da war sie wieder, die Stimme aus dem Unterbewusstsein unserer Gesellschaft: Erfolg = Geld = Glück. Und was ist mit den ganzen Stimmen, die uns seit Jahren in den Großausgaben von Selbsthilfebüchern, esoterischer Literatur und Gesundheitsratgebern predigen, dass wahres Glück nicht von außen kommt, sondern von innen und somit mit Geld, Erfolg und der damit einhergehenden Anerkennung gar nichts zu tun hat. Eine gesellschaftliche Täuschung also, eine Illusion, an deren konträren Aussagen, sich Menschen tagein tagaus die Zähne ausbeißen. Aber zum Glück gibt es ja Yoga und Meditation und 30 Tage Urlaub im Jahr, in denen man der Sonne frönen und die Zeit mal "entschleunigen" kann.
Woran scheitert unser Glück in der Gesellschaft, die wir zum Leben gewählt haben? Ist es Selbstdisziplin? Man könnte doch nach dem 8stündigen Arbeitstag plus dem dazugehörigen Arbeitsweg durchaus die eine Stunde körperliche Betätigung einplanen anstatt dem Feierabendbier, dem Computerspiel, dem Fernseher oder Facebook. Oder davor. Wissen tun wir doch alle, wie gut es uns tut, die Energien in unseren Körpern zu bewegen und wie frisch und entspannt wir uns jedes Mal danach fühlen. Und Aldi und Rossmann machen es uns ja seit Jahren auch wirklich einfach: der Sport für zu Hause ist jedem zugänglich und auch erschwinglich. Amazon liefert das in die guten Vorsätze gehörige Homebike mit Prime auf schnellstem Wege in jede Wohnung.

Thought-stream on the silent wisdom of the heart

Our minds talk. A lot. Often more than we think. (- Which is an interesting, slightly contradictory statement my own mind just came up with.) Well, MY mind sometimes talks a lot. I get those times of stillness, too. Times of pure silence, where I just sit in sweet surrender of the present moment without any doubt that I am in the flow, perfectly aligned with life, and that I do have the perfect right to enjoy exactly this. And yet the universe is created on balance, the Yin and the Yang and so are we, so am I. (And maybe this nothing but a constant manifestation of my own belief systems again.) Shiva meeting Shakti, the love making of creation followed by separation, destruction and chaos, the breaking down of things, just to meet again, create again, love again and then - universal silence. Stillness followed by chaos. And chaos by stillness. Not chaos in a negative way, but as something that describes the opposite of stillness because it is loud, confusing and can potentially be filled by everything (at once). Especially thoughts.

At times it is just one negative thought, one simple unconscious fear that is played out by an emotion stuck in the physical body. And that emotion plays adversely into all my other systems, including my mental capacity to think positive or at least neutral. That wouldn't be bad if there was at least some part inside of me that was able to just observe and know that this too shall pass, but sometimes not even this part is awake and chaos cumulates into an amount of stress in my physical body that actually only leaves going straight back to bed as a solution. Why? Because I find that anything else simply perpetuates the negative vibration around me and leads to even more highly residue amount of toxic stress in my system. What is worse is when I start writing about it. Then, I complain about myself, and the circumstances that I consciously or subconsciously created for my life to be chaotic.

And then I am just still. I sit in the chaos and I observe it. Going back to bed hasn't really been the solution for the last years, not since I consciously learned how to use the tools I've been given to observe and sit with the pain. To just let it happen. And in the midst of the chaos one question arises: What do I want?
My mind's freedom is infinite, and yet my growing wish for stable consistency has narrowed it down to a point where I don't feel free at all, but rather caught and almost stuck in the process. Who thought that I would feel wedged and trapped in a world that guarantees me unlimited options and possibilities? My guidance has always been my heart but is it that I am either disconnected from that inner voice of wisdom, or that I have rationalized my feelings to an extend that I don't believe in them anymore?

Do I trust my heart?

Yesterday my close friend reminded to me again that our choices are not really up to the mind but to the heart. And that, if we did not connect with what the heart truly wanted, if we didn't truly listen, the consequence would be a silent frustration that holds us back from being happy at all. And he asked me again: 'Do you trust your heart?' A question, which I was able to easily and wholeheartedly answer with a 'full-body yes' in the recent years.

This time, I found, I couldn't answer the question. I followed my heart around the globe for the past 6 years. I followed my passion, my guidance, inner voices, that very beat that keeps me alive. For most of the time I have been on a constant move, a constant journey. I don't regret it. It has brought me to a point where I feel independent and strong - at least about what I don't want from life. The flipside, the "chaos", remains the divergent multitude of options wrapping silent wings around me, scattering my brain wanting to find out what I actually want.
Settle. Yes. Where? I don't know. Partnership. Yes? I don't know, cause it comes back to the question of where to settle. By now I know that weather affects me even though from a spiritual point of view, it shouldn't. Yet, it does.

The next thing would be: Job? Yes, but only what makes my heart sing. Thus, purpose. This crazy little word amongst the immeasurable amount of other words - "purpose" is a silent word because it directly connects to "being still and listen". My sense of purpose connects to a sense of service for others and being needed, to giving, to holding space, to teaching Yoga and being present. I call those silent longings because they don't connect to the world of business - busy-ness - and money, the world of advertisement and sales because it is hard, if not impossible to market this offer. "Hey, I could just listen to you, give you back the feeling that you are loved and accepted, that you are worthy and deserve all the blessings in this life. Can you pay me for that, please?" I would probably have to market myself as the badass coach that has a nice little assembly of awesome tools and set ups to help you realign your sense of being alive and passionate about what you do. Well, not too bad. Maybe I just do exactly that.

Still, what makes me mistrust my heart?

My heart made me take decisions that I did not precisely bemoaned afterwards, but which I would probably take back if I had considered the possible outcomes a bit better. Really?

Well now, if I really welcome stillness into the chaos, into the pain, I realize that the discomfort is actually coming from NOT listening properly. That my heart knows when I say 'yes', but actually mean 'no',  and if I follow through with a decision that I knew, right from the beginning, that it wasn't the right one. Years ago, it would take me ages to sit in the discomfort of doing something that I didn't actually wanted to do. Today, the frustration becomes so big so quickly (together with the value I put on every single moment of life) that I can hardly bear the pain for long anymore without knowing that I waste my precious time.

So, what actually happens is that I sit in random chaos and take the first and most obvious step out of it - I find quick solutions in a world that has conditioned me not to like dis-ease and therefore to quick-fix it or avoid it in total. But if I had sat patiently for an unknown amount of time with the chaos of feeling uncertain and "in between", not home here, not home there, not arrived or fully connected, not really grounded in or familiar with new circumstances, just like quiet not myself - there would have been the famous light at the end of the tunnel. Thus, in those unmapped lands of the unknown chaos when the multitude of possibilities become a weight, just sit and be still for as long as it is needed before taking the next step. My heart knows, and yes, I trust it. I do not always listen properly but I learn to listen better with each lesson life provides. Sit and listen. There always is a silent voice amongst the overwhelming mass of heavy-weighing chaotic thoughts, that knows the way out. It only needs the light of one little candle to brighten a whole room full of darkness. And this little flame is eternally present. In silence.